30 December 2010

And again

Yes it is that time of the year again. Every year at this time I add a new post to this blog. Two years ago I was writing about the mall in Baton Rouge, last year about the hillbilly Christmas. They were both written on December 29th. So this year's posting is a day late. This is especially fitting. I seem unable to do much of anything on time. I do have an excuse for not writing though - I was working yesterday and came home still exhausted from work the day Before! Today was my recovery day which means essentially nothing got done - no dishes, no laundry, no home cooked meal. So yes, late has become the story of my life. I am still looking forward to our annual trip home. I am always exhausted this time of year, but this year is different. I am mentally and physicalLy drained. No this is not my usual funny, warm and fuzzy blog entry. I am not feeling especially warm, fuzzy or the least bit comical. I have become the epitome of the Grinch and Scrooge all balled up in one! Well that was a little bit funny. Maybe there is hope for me yet! I have no clue where this is all going- I am actually anxious to see what my point to all of this is.

Overall, life is good. The holidays were nice, Mike has a new job, I will working part time, Greg will be home in about 7 months, Mark will be serving a mission soon, the kids are healthy, Lindz is graduating this May. The Lord has blessed us all tremendously! I am very conscious of his tender mercies each and every day. I have come to a realization of just how much He knows and loves me. But despite all of this, somewhere, somehow, I have lost just a little bit of me. Would the real Gracie please appear? Is she the mom trying to keep up with the housework and homework assignments and schedules? Maybe she is there at the hospital trying to take care of the sick and the weary, becoming weary herself in the process. Sometimes the only thing that gets me through the day at work is the wonderful mission statement of our hospital-that through exceptional healthcare, we reveal the healing presence of God. I think of myself as being the Savior's hands, giving service to those in need. but in giving service to my patients, I feel that I am neglecting to serve those closest and dearest to me. I am drained. I am spent. And feel insignificant somehow - the consummate wallflower.

I have one day to get my house clean, clothes washed, and start packing and I don't really know where to begin. But it will get done, just wish I had not spent today in total veg mode. So my hope is that the new year brings some calm. I have some ideas and strategies for better time management and destressing (that don't include Xanax), some plans for finding the old "me". Now I know some friends will read this and think I've lost my mind. Really, it's all good; I am blessed and know where to turn. Writing is wonderful therapy and helps me focus my thoughts. The Good Lord will direct my path - He always does.

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